Will Elon Musk kill Twitter?
As a professional American columnist, I am constitutionally required to write my predictions for the New Year. (It’s in a clause buried deep in the First Amendment footnotes.)
While some lesser writers might consider this a menial task, I, America’s most beloved and humbled columnist, take it very seriously.
Are my predictions almost always wrong? Maybe. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that these are excellent predictions. I see it this way: my New Year’s predictions aren’t wrong, it’s just that the world is never quite ready to live up to them.
With that said, I now proudly unveil Rex Huppke’s Nine Rock-Solid 100%-Guaranteed Sure-Fire Predictions for 2023.
Twitter crashes and burns and slides into the ocean
1) Noted business genius Elon Musk’s plan to improve Twitter by amplifying all the bad parts of the social media site while driving out anyone capable of offering consistent, non-racist thinking will fail spectacularly and the company will declare bankruptcy . Musk will celebrate his epic failure as “a huge success” that was “hampered by woke zombies who for some strange reason stopped buying my fancy electric cars just because I kept siding with the crank conspiracy theorists and would-be Nazis”. Everyone who spent years on Twitter will suddenly remember what joy is and go on to live happier lives.
2) Donald Trump will realize that the number of criminal investigations he faces is greater than the number of hotels he owns and, with the legal walls closed, he will flee to Russia aboard one of the spaceships by Musk. Despite his move, he will continue to claim he is running for president, while claiming he is president of ISIS because the 2020 election “was TOTALLY rigged”. By the middle of the year, no one in America will care about any of this and Trump will be reduced to shouting “FAKE NEWS!” in his afternoon bowl of borscht.
What will 2023 bring to the world? Our USA TODAY Opinion team has wishes — and fears.
Shorts become the new “it” style
3) After years of ridicule by the lobbyists of this tyrannical trouser industry, shorts will be accepted as formal work wear. I will write a column noting, as I have for years, that pants are nothing more than prisons for the legs. Americans will finally see the truth, and there will be a great awakening that will make shorts a chic clothing option for any decor or occasion.
4) A tragedy will arise from the Great Short Awakening. As the masses are more regularly exposed to my finely sculpted man calves, hundreds of American men will be dying. I will mourn them, but I will not apologize. These calves were not my choice. They were a gift from nature.
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An Eagles-Bills Super Bowl with a surprise guest
5) The Philadelphia Eagles and the Buffalo Bills will meet in the Super Bowl. In a shocking surprise twist, the Bills will bring in World Cup soccer star Lionel Messi as the team’s kicker, and he’ll kick the game-winning basket in overtime. Philadelphians will erupt in anger and frustration — more than they normally do — and city officials will be forced to institute a permanent soccer ban.
6) Kanye West won’t be silent as long as the only people left on Twitter are him and Musk. After that, West still won’t shut up. Neither does Musk.
7) The Republican plan to turn Florida Governor Ron DeSantis into a possible post-Trump presidential nominee will fail horribly when non-Floridian Americans realize that DeSantis is actually just an unusually verbal and unnecessarily mean toad. Trump of Russia will give the governor the nickname “DeSantoad” and DeSantis’ political career will be over.
Long live Ukraine! Go crazy, Putin!
8) The brave Ukrainian army will bring down the Russians’ beef stroganoff so badly that President Vladimir Putin will be overthrown. The Russian oligarchs will briefly consider installing their new resident, Trump, as a puppet president, but change their minds when they realize how embarrassing it would be to do the same as America. Trump will claim the puppet presidential election was “rigged”. The only people who will care are Kanye West and Elon Musk, who will endlessly complain about each other using the last two active Twitter accounts on earth.
9) I would like to wish everyone who takes the time to read my columns a Happy New Year, hoping they know how much I appreciate their kindness and support.
At least I can be certain that the last one will come true.
Happy new year everyone.
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