Straight men, the vibrator is your teammate, not the competition


Back in April Twitter user @justky1018 offered sexual advice that was downright revealing.

“When men learn that the vibrator is their teammate and not the competition, society will heal,” Ky wrote, channeling the sagacity of a Dr Ruth or a Sue Johanson, only younger.

It’s true. It would probably be easier to retroactively stop global warming and prevent all future global pandemics than to convince some guys to embrace the vibration.

It’s depressing too, because bringing a vibrator or dildo into the bedroom could pay them dividends and obviously benefit their partners. Between 70% and 90% of women are unable to reach an orgasm with penetration alone.

According to a recent Indiana University study conducted in partnership with OMGYes, when it comes to climax, clitoral stimulation―something a vibrator can easily provide―is a must for at least 36% of women. women.

Men should see vibrators as the answer to their prayers and a labor-saving device, but that’s rarely the case, according to Eric Marlowe Garrison, a certified sex counselor in Richmond, Virginia. Instead, too many people feel threatened by the simple sex toy.

“My customers think you have to be a superhero to compete with a vibrator,” he told HuffPost. “The Flash can outrun a car. Superman can fly over an airplane. Aquaman can run past a boat. Why can’t a man compete with a vibrator? Basically, they think a toy from Good Vibes will leave you with bad vibes.

During our interview with him, it quickly became apparent that Garrison has a knack for metaphors: “I tell couples, of all genders, even the most talented chef will lean on a mandolin or a food processor from time to time. time ― or all the time,” he said at another point.

These are all good points, but the aversion to sex toys persists. Maybe it’s because vibrators do tend to kill vibes for guys. A fairly large representative study of American men found that heterosexual men who had used a vibrator with their partner reported lower levels of sexual satisfaction than men who had never used a sex toy with a partner.

The researchers didn’t offer a definitive conclusion as to why this might be, but they did suggest that most straight men who had used vibrators with a partner said they did so to increase their partner’s pleasure, not theirs.

“I like to remind guys that you can’t get addicted to a vibrator and that makes them feel better.”

– certified sex therapist Sandi Kaufman

The sad reality is this: partners in heterosexual relationships – the two men and women ― do not prioritize women’s pleasure during sex. Straight women statistically fare worse than any other demographic group, including lesbians, which has led to what is known as the “orgasm gap.” (Speaking of those lesbians who give orgasm, we once asked them for advice on how to make a woman cum orally. Read it.)

Kenneth Play, sex educator and author of “Beyond Satisfied: A Sex Hacker’s Guide to Endless Orgasms, Mind-Blowing Connection, and Lasting Confidence,” had a more generous read of the sex toy study and men’s reluctance to use vibrators.

It’s not that they don’t care if their partners get away with it ― in fact, it’s a huge ego win when they succeed ― they just don’t want to outsource the work. They would like to provide the pleasure themselves, he explained.

“If a man could only cum on his female partner by using a Flesh Light on him but not on her vagina, many women would probably feel the same way,” he said. “This isn’t to justify that it’s a good way to think, but to understand the emotional reasoning behind the discomfort.

The key word here is “only,” he said.

“If the only way for someone to have an orgasm is through a specific accessory, it can be emotionally difficult for both partners,” he said.

Indeed, if your partner can’t get off on penetration but clitoral stimulation works for her, a vibrator is not your thing. only option. You could get to work yourself.

“You can stimulate the clitoris in another way — with your fingers, your tongue, or by rubbing your penis over it — and you’ll probably solve this problem,” he said.

“If you really want your penis to be the tool that makes her cum, rub the head of your penis over her clitoris,” he added. “Asking most women to orgasm from just one act of intercourse is like asking men to orgasm only from anal sex without any penile stimulation.”

Or you could have a little fun with a vibrator or a dildo.

Tara Moore via Getty Images

“Asking most women to orgasm from intercourse alone is like asking men to orgasm from anal intercourse alone, without any penile stimulation,” said the sex educator Kenneth Play.

Here’s how to get the most out of your vibrator game

If you’re new to vibrators, research the myriad types available, and once you’ve ordered one, unbox it together and truly treat it like the fun and sexy sex toy that it is, says certified sex therapist Sandi Kaufman.

“Learn how to use it. Run it over each other’s body and see what feels good in terms of pressure and speed of movement,” she said. very sensitive such as genitals, use it for teasing as well as direct stimulation.”

Find out what lights up by playing with pressure levels.

“Share what excites you on a scale of 1 to 10,” she said. “If it’s waterproof, play with it in the shower or in a tub surrounded by candles to set the mood.”

If your partner has experience using vibrators, let her show you how she gets on.

“It’s great to have her hold the vibrator and use it on herself,” Play said. “That way she can control where she is and how much stimulation she gets so you don’t guess, especially during penetrative sex.”

Encouraging her and telling her how hot it is to watch her use it can help ease any performance anxiety she may be feeling.

“She might worry about whether or not you feel weird about the act, like some guys do,” he said. “Making her feel comfortable and letting her feel empowered is key.”

Above all, keep an open mind and recognize that there is no shame in getting help from a sex toy. (Hey, you could really jump in and start introducing new toys designed for prostate play.)

“Most men don’t realize that most women don’t orgasm through penetration alone,” Kaufman said. “When they learn the stats, they’re usually shocked and then realize that other ways to achieve orgasm shouldn’t just be used, but enjoyed.”

And don’t worry, adding a little extra help in the form of a vibrator or a dildo doesn’t mean you’ll make yourself obsolete. Your girlfriend or wife loves you for you ― but also specifically because:

A) You can order her takeout on a food app or heat up leftovers when she’s hungry after sex.

And B) You are not made of medical grade silicone, borosilicate glass or stainless steel.

“I like to remind guys that you can’t get addicted to a vibrator and that puts their mind at ease,” Kaufman said. “If pleasing your wife is your goal, why not pull out the arsenal to bring her to a greater depth of pleasure?”

Sex Ed for Grown-Ups is a series that touches on everything you didn’t learn about sex in school, beyond birds and bees. Check back regularly for more expert articles and personal stories.



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