Royals pose as soldiers, Putin poses as a wolf – POLITICO

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly comedy column.

In disappointing news, Ursula von der Leyen did not begin her State of the Union address with a heartfelt eulogy to her pet pony, Dolly, who was killed by a wolf earlier this month . Instead, she went with Ukraine as her first bet. Well, to each his own.

The death of Dolly the pony was a tragic event that left many questions unanswered: Was it a recreation of a Grimms fairy tale gone wrong? Was the wolf making a political statement against von der Leyen’s Geopolitical Commission? And – most likely – was the culprit actually Vladimir Putin in a wolf suit?

Although there was no speech about Dolly in the State of the Union address, von der Leyen did mention the late Queen Elizabeth II, whom she called a “legend” – a term which has, alas, been devalued by overuse in recent years. It has gone from being used to describe someone who has slain a dragon to being used to describe someone who is always doing a round at the bar.

Speaking of the Queen, there’s been quite a fuss over members of the royal household who wear military uniform at many funeral ceremonies. It’s a big no for Prince Harry, despite having been in the military for a decade, including two tours of Afghanistan. This is because Harry has chosen to step down from official royal life in 2020.

Prince Andrew, who like Harry is also a non-working member of the royal family because of, uh, you know, this, will be allowed to wear military uniform at the Queen’s funeral “as a special mark of respect”, according to Buckingham Palace – respect for who has not been specified (the victims of her pal Jeffrey Espstein?) For the other ceremonies, Andrew will have to wear overalls and a Justin Bieber t-shirt, or maybe a suit. Andrew, however, served in the Navy for over two decades and served in the Falklands War, and (it may surprise young readers) has been treated like a hero before.

Princess Anne, who has never served in the armed forces, will wear military uniform at all commemorative events. So will Prince Edward, who was in the Royal Marines for eight seconds before deciding it looked like too much hard work and leaving before completing training (Declassified should point out in fairness that he underwent the most rigorous military training possible—camping at Glastonbury).

At Prince Philip’s funeral, Edward was dressed in full military uniform including an impressive number of medals. Rumors that he made them himself using coins and duct tape were unconfirmed at press time.

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Paul Dalison is POLITICS‘s publisher of slot machine news.