GREG GUTFELD: Biden threw inflation-cutting party to celebrate his ‘false achievement’


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Happy Wednesday everyone. So ICYMI is short for in case you missed it. Does that help? Ok, fuck everyone. President Biden threw a party on reducing inflation yesterday. But maybe you had something nicer to do, like shove a hedge trimmer up your rectum. Do not judge.

He held it on the White House lawn because he couldn’t remember where the front door was, and that way he wouldn’t pee on the carpets. Plus, this lawn could always use a little extra fertilizer. Now he threw this party even as inflation hit 8.3%. His staff wanted to cancel, but Jill had already told Joe there would be balloons, clouds, and a pony. But it was like throwing a surprise birthday party for a corpse, then watching that corpse buzz around for 25 minutes.

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It’s funny, at most memorials, you never wonder, “when is this thing going to shut up?” And really, is the economy something Joe should celebrate? It’s like the Washington Generals are throwing a parade after a season of playing the Harlem Globetrotters. Hooray, we went zero and eighty-two. It’s like Alec Baldwin giving himself an A in marksmanship. What, did something happen? It’s like Brian Kilmeade throwing himself a book party. And it always sucks when reality rains down on your fantasy.

President Biden speaks about the Cut Inflation Act of 2022 during a ceremony on the South Lawn of the White House.
(AP Photo/Andrew Harnik)

As Biden bragged about his bogus achievement, the stock market sank faster than Joe’s nose in a nearby ponytail. The Dow plunged 1200 points. It’s one of the biggest drops since Joy Behar tried to sit in a bean bag chair. Food prices continue to rise, housing is drying up and yet Joe continues to enlighten us as if we were a brotherhood fart. You know, we liked that. Anyway, his first mistake, inviting a newcomer to today’s music scene, James Taylor, to open the festivities. Here is an exerpt.

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Oh come on, that wasn’t so bad. Let’s try again.

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Oh, he’s really old and not in a good way. Like a bag of cabbage buried in the garden. So old Joe asked Taylor to start with a song called “The Fire and Rain”, which is also how Hunter describes the feeling when he pees. That’s it. It’s the joke of the evening. It’s apparently, however, about suicide and heroin addiction, which makes sense, suicide and addiction are two things that worked well under Joe. But maybe the message is, “yes, times are tough under Biden, but it could be worse.” You may be bound to listen to this song forever. This will force you to take the pills or throw yourself on the pointed end of Joe’s catheter.

But I don’t blame the White House for catching Taylor. Joe initially asked for Sinatra, and before that, Glenn Miller. Unfortunately, everyone Joe heard of died or was killed by Hillary. But shouldn’t we think? Shouldn’t you think about what you’re thinking at that moment?

PRESIDENT BIDEN: Think about what you would be thinking at that moment. Think about how you would feel if you had no insurance and no money. It’s wrong. It’s not who we are, and we’re going to fix that too.

Joe, do us a favor. Please stop fixing things. It’s not your forte. I mean, you’re less helpful than a homeless man trying to clean your windshield with a bottle of urine. Shout out to Jimmy Failla, but at least America’s soul is vibrant.

James Taylor sings during an Inflation Reduction Act event on the South Lawn of the White House.

James Taylor sings during an Inflation Reduction Act event on the South Lawn of the White House.
(AP Photo/Andrew Harnik)

PRESIDENT BIDEN: America’s soul is vibrant. America’s future is bright and America’s promise is real. It’s real. It’s real.

Yes. Beware when a politician refers to your soul. Bad leaders rely on abstract concepts when they cannot point to concrete successes. Leave my soul out of this. What about gas prices, war, crime? But I guess making progress in every country is big and complicated like ours is difficult.

PRESIDENT BIDEN: Making progress in every country as large and complicated as ours is difficult. It’s not easy, and it never has been.

So that’s your excuse. It’s hard. Well, I hate to tell you, sports are your job and everyone before you did a better job. I wonder if that’s a line of applause.

Nancy Pelosi: I, that’s a line of applause.

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It’s so cute when the brain locks the horns with botox. But let’s talk about bad timing, an inflation victory lap as the inflation numbers come out. Looks like Joe leads the band playing on the Titanic, just like he did in 1912. He acts like a demented birthday clown, as the staff members are forced to pretend they’re there by choice . Of course, the White House is touting lower gas prices, which happens when people stop buying gas because it’s too expensive and you’re responsible for driving them up. first place. He’s like the guy who burns down his neighbor’s house and then wants to be called a hero because he saved his cat. Talk about gaslighting.

Gas prices go up when you buy it and gas prices go down when you don’t. I call that a catch 22, which is also the expected number of times Joe will get COVID by January. Food is up 13.5%, electricity up 15.8% and rents up 7%, health insurance up 24%. But ask KJP, I wonder if she will say that prices have been basically stable in our country for the past two years, months.

White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre speaks during a briefing at the White House, Tuesday, Sept. 13, 2022, in Washington.

White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre speaks during a briefing at the White House, Tuesday, Sept. 13, 2022, in Washington.
(AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

KARINE JEAN-PIERRE: Prices have been essentially stable in our country for the past two months.

Mmh. Yeah, kinda like a scan of your brain. I would call him a puppet, but I don’t want to get hate mail from Miss Piggy. The thing is, we knew inflation came after all government spending, but what we didn’t expect was them saying more government spending would solve the problems caused by government spending. And now Biden’s student loan cancellation is going to cost us another half a trillion.

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So, as families deplete their savings for basic living needs, Joe bails out gender studies graduates who forfeit the loans they’ve agreed to pay. He rewards the less deserving by punishing those who have paid their debts. This will only drive up the prices. But Joe doesn’t care. He organized a party. And Joe will take any excuse to cut the cake or the cheese. So obvious, I wonder what Joe has to say.

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